


When I Look At the Stars

by name_and_numbers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben is understanding gentle and tall, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, F/M, Long distance relationship kinda, Not really a slow burn but kinda, Past Sexual Abuse, Rey Really Needs a Hug, Soft Ben Solo, and some TLC, band au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22811884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/name_and_numbers/pseuds/name_and_numbers
Summary: “Ben, you talk about everybody when you come in here. You talk about Hux, and Poe, and Finn, and Rose, but Rey… everything about you changes when it comes to Rey. You become more animated and you smile more. There’s nothing wrong with that. The human body feels emotion, and maybe attraction isn’t something you’ve felt in a long time, but that doesn’t mean you get rusty. Even if it’s something simple. Just ask.”He was close to sulking and he knew it. Closing his eyes, he took a breath and reached for the truth he was terrified to reveal. “I don’t want to hurt her.”A band AU where Rey falls for the understanding, gentle, and tall drummer forSupremacy. They both have demons to face. Together, they might just slay them. *rating to go up in future chapters*
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hi! I've never written a band AU before, but I've been in plenty of bands, and this one can't seem to leave my imagination for whatever reason. This is also unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. Also, yes, there will be mentions of past sexual abuse in this story, but that won't happen until later and there will be warning in these notes beforehand.

It was all Finn’s fault.

That’s what Ben kept telling himself the further they got into their setlist and the harder it became to handle his sticks. Sweat had never been a problem before - he’d always figured it soaked into the wood and allowed him a better grip - but it felt like it was dripping off him tonight. Without chalk or powder to put on his palms, his fingers tightened out of reflex and he’d dropped them more than once. At one point, Poe had even turned to look at him between songs, stepping far enough away from the lead mic to gawk at his drummer.

“Dude, what’s up?” he’d hissed, keeping his voice down.

“My damn shirt is getting wet,” Ben answered lamely, rubbing his hands on his jeans. It wasn’t a total lie - their agent, freshly hired, had falsely assumed Ben was the lead in the band due to his height and hair, but mostly because of the sleeve tattoo on his right arm. When he adamantly denied it, the response had been that Ben needed to wear long sleeves to shows from now on. Because it ‘threw off the vibe,’ whatever that meant. The point was the music, not how they looked. He’d bristled at the time, but years of tempering his anger lead to him going with the suggestion.

He turned out to be far more miserable than he expected. Not only was he warmer than ever, but his clothes stuck to him uncomfortably, and the sweat from his sleeves would drip to his hands faster than ever before. He’d always been able to handle it. It was a temporary inconvenience for the pleasure of a bigger picture. Bags of chalk had followed him to every show.

Except tonight. Because it was Finn’s fault.

“There’s not much more to go, try and keep it together!” Ben waved off Poe with a jerk of his wrist, glancing at the floor. There were four discarded water bottles sitting near his kit, and he felt immediate regret drinking them as quickly as he did. He was thirsty and thrumming with energy, all familiar feelings when he played in a show.

Except tonight,  _ she _ was there. 

She threw everything off.

Ben had never been nervous playing before crowds in his life. People  _ always  _ heard the drummer, unless an electric kit was involved - which Ben long ago swore off - so he’d embraced it, allowing it to fill him rather than fear it. He’d played enough mental gymnastics about it over the years that it had never once been a problem, no matter what kind of person was in the crowd.

So why did  _ Rey _ matter?

As a group, Ben, Finn, Poe, and Hux had all decided that friends and family were a no go to their shows until they’d reached bigger and better things. They wanted to be seen by people who hadn’t grown up with them and watched their struggles from afar, but Finn had turned out to be more personable and extroverted that anyone had given him credit for. He’d introduced his roommates, Rose and Rey, to the band before their last show, much to the chagrin of everyone involved. Hux had lost his mind. Ben always figured Poe would have been the first to break, but even he turned out to be disappointed, hiding it well behind friendliness that seemed second nature.

Ben would have been upset, too. He tried to play it off as such, keeping his mouth in a thin line and barely nodding when introduced.

But Rose was really friendly, a sharp wit and tongue that kept Hux on his heels. And Rey…

Rey was  _ really _ attractive.

He rolled his eyes at himself, three sharp clicks of his sticks counting down the next song on the playlist. Rey was  _ more _ than attractive. She didn’t open up right away, which suited Ben just fine, but the moment she did, she was hard for him to ignore. She was genuinely interested in their story, settling for long tales of college study nights turning into songwriting sessions, how the band formed through people they knew, and the moment they knew they had something special in each other. She even teased Hux for his hard stance on their name -  _ Supremacy _ \- and laughed when she got him to backpedal and say the name was a work in progress.

Hux loved that stupid name. He  _ never _ said it was a work in progress before her.

“And what about you?” she’d asked, turning to look at him from his spot in the booth. It was hours later after the show where they’d been introduced, and they’d all made their way to a bar for late drinks and simple appetizers. 

“I’m the drummer,” he’d shrugged, thinking she would have let it drop. He should have known better.

“ _ Just _ the drummer? You haven’t written any songs?”

“No,” he’d said with a small laugh, running a hand through his damp hair and pointing at the others. “I let these guys take care of that.”

Rey had paused, taking him in for a second. “I find that interesting.” She leaned back in the booth, taking a brief sip of her water, and looked at Rose. “They work so well together, and yet he’s the outlier.”

Rose nodded in agreement. Ben had frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing bad.” She’d turned to her right, where Finn and Poe were seated. “These other three are a bit more clean cut, with their hair and everything. But you…” She pointed at his hair and and her right arm, indicating his tattoo. “You fit, but you’re clearly different. I’m just surprised you don’t write more songs. You seem like you have a story to tell.”

He’d stared at her in amazement, realizing she was being honest in her assessment, not mean or critical. It wasn’t exactly what he was used to, and it wasn’t until Hux had given him a small nudge to break his stare that he’d realized he was blushing.

He knew he was doomed immediately after. There was an incredible balance she brought to their group, and he found himself hoping more and more she’d be there for sound checks and practices. Once Hux and Rose finally stopped dancing around each other and started their own fling, it was almost impossible to not find a show where Rose and Rey weren’t present.

Which meant nothing, he told himself, spotting the two women in question near the front of the stage, singing along to a ballad Poe had written for the show. Rey could tag along if she wanted to. It was nice to see the others have a fire lit under their ass every once in a while.

And, if he was being honest with himself… he loved having her around. And he hoped the smile she gave him was his for a reason.

* * *

Ben Solo was exactly the kind of guy she never thought she’d be attracted to.

His appearance betrayed everything, from his long hair and intense eyes, to the sleeve tattoo on his arm resembling the Milky Way galaxy. It looked thorough and expensive, and when she’d asked about it, he’d shrugged shyly and said he liked the stars. There was a timidness to him that was incredibly endearing, especially since he seemed to be hyper aware how much  _ bigger _ he was compared to everyone else around him. Whether intentional or not, he always tried to make himself smaller everywhere the group went, from slouching in chairs to crossing his feet over one another, resembling someone trying to make due in a world that was too small for him. The only time he seemed to let himself rise was behind the drum set he was currently beating on, reaching all toms and cymbals with ease.

He also looked miserable, sweat dripping from his nose and hair and shirt sticking to his skin. She’d be lying if she said the look wasn’t attractive, probably meant to soften how much more edgy he looked compared to his bandmates, but he did it to himself. The shirt was black with long sleeves, and despite being warned that the dark material would only trap more heat, he went with it anyway.  _ Stubborn, _ she thought with a smile, catching his gaze as he breathed heavily through his mouth. He gave her a brief nod. A warmth spread within her.

She hid whatever apprehension she felt by focusing on the song, singing along with Rose. Ben Solo was huge, intense, and intimidating, but she’d also learned he was, as Rose had once put it, “an overgrown marshmallow who’d been through some shit.” (Finn’s words, she’d made sure to clarify.) Though the words were meant to comfort, Rey still felt a guarded voice in her head.

_ Just because he’s been through things doesn’t mean he’s a good person. _

She couldn’t help the thought. A life of isolation, being taken through the foster system until she was able to make something of herself, made her nervous around people. She knew it was stereotyping, to think Ben could be as rough as he looked, but it was something that had been borne from circumstance. People, particularly men bigger than her, made her nervous.

It was something she’d confided to Rose shortly after they’d become roommates, when Rose had introduced the idea of adding Finn to the home in order to make rent easier. Secrets she’d wanted to bury had come to the surface, and it took months of being around him - not to mention months of living with him - before she was as comfortable with him as she was Rose. It also established something she never should have doubted to begin with - Rose Tico was the friend she’d always desperately wanted, and loved her enough to not put her through a situation she didn’t think Rey could handle.

Incredibly insightful, considering Rey knew she’d made herself a stronger person since her foster years. She knew how to fight and tinker with things, and her job at a junkyard made it easy not only to work with her hands, but also learn how everything worked. She was the handyman of the house, and it was her sincere pleasure to make things comfortable for her and her friends. Everything always worked, from the fridge to the heaters and even the air conditioning, because she knew what a life without those things was like.

Worlds had collided once she had gone with Rose to practice, watching the members of  _ Supremacy _ stretch their patience with a sound check. There was some faulty wiring between the sound board and the small amplifier Ben used, and she’d noticed it long before the others did. It was when her  _ own _ patience had worn thin that she’d finally stepped forward and diagnosed the problem, ignoring the surprised stares from the others as she disconnected wiring and fixed it just as quickly. She had to get closer to Ben in order to fix his side of the problem, and while she felt nervous just being closer to him, he’d only nodded and gave her a small smile when she’d finished. He’d said thank you, looking sincerely impressed, and she knew she was in trouble.

She found herself going more and more to practices and sets, and each time she got to know everyone better, she made a point to learn one thing about Ben that she hadn’t before. The tattoo was the first thing he’d gotten when they’d earned their first big check. The small figure of a boy near his wrist, cloaked in shadow and staring at the galaxy above him, was himself. He usually had too much energy after shows and would go for a run when they’d disbanded for the evening. He had the nicest handwriting she’d ever seen. He was older than her, but she didn’t care. 

Nerves fluttered in her stomach again and this time, they didn’t settle. She had plenty of hints that the interest was mutual, and yet…

The final notes rang out in the auditorium, and she joined Rose in the volume of cheers.  _ Supremacy _ thanked the crowd, waved, and made their way backstage. Rey watched Ben though the entirety of it and wished that one day she could tell him her voice was loudest for him.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Ben, you talk about everybody when you come in here. You talk about Hux, and Poe, and Finn, and Rose, but Rey… everything about you changes when it comes to Rey. You become more animated and you smile more. There’s nothing wrong with that. The human body feels emotion, and maybe attraction isn’t something you’ve felt in a long time, but that doesn’t mean you get rusty. Even if it’s something simple. Just ask.”_
> 
> _He was close to sulking and he knew it. Closing his eyes, he took a breath and reached for the truth he was terrified to reveal. “I don’t want to hurt her.”_
> 
> A band AU where Rey falls for the understanding, gentle, and tall drummer for Supremacy. They both have demons to face. Together, they might just slay them. *rating to go up in future chapters*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! It turns out the entire beginning I'd written for this previously needed to be scrapped, so I had to take the time to make sure it was what I wanted. Thanks for sticking with me. Chapter Two will be out soon!

Years ago, Ben would have a hard time believing that the appointments he’d gotten with Dopheld Mitaka would have lasted as long as they had. The recommendation and appointment had come from both Hux and Poe, who had seen that Ben was still struggling with old family wounds that he’d never come to terms with. Damaged drum heads, broken sticks, and practices where he spent his rage playing as loud as he could were one thing, but the final straw had been accidentally hitting himself in the thigh, causing a welt and bruise so prominent that it acted like a strip of severe sunburn. Ben had shot up from the throne he was sitting on and threw the floor tom across the room, embarrassed and angry with himself. 

The intervention was immediate. While Poe called around for some names, Hux pulled him aside and spoke to him like he hadn’t in years.

“I don’t really give a shit where you are with your family. You did shitty things, they did shitty things, and if you don’t want to come to terms with that on your own, that’s fine. Hell, I don’t talk to my family, so I’m not going to pretend like I’ve got incredible advice. Shit sucks. But for  _ us _ to stay together-” Hux moved his finger in a circle as though the entire band was in the room. “- you have to get a grip on it. You’re the best drummer for the group, Solo, but you’re not sticking around if you’re going to lose your goddamn mind at the smallest inconvenience. Are you staying, or are you talking to someone?”

They’d tried to hide it as much as they could, but Ben knew he wasn’t doing anyone any favors. Broody, sullen, and short tempered, he was the one person in the group every potential agent had looked on with a hesitant eye. It was an issue of his own making, and he knew it was about time he did something about it before he seriously hurt himself.

Again.

Dopheld Mitaka came at the recommendation of a “friend of a friend,” as Poe had put it, and Ben had to hold back a feeling of helplessness at every session. The man was infuriatingly patient and took every outburst Ben threw at him with clinical eyes. It was like he knew that with time, the cracks in the foundation would show themselves. The moment of truth came longer than he’d probably hoped for, but the result was what mattered; Ben finally opened up about a childhood wanting nothing more than the attention of his parents, growing into the rebellious teenager who went to extremes before being sent away to his Uncle. Ben was bitter and weary, unwilling to trust and convinced he’d be abandoned at every step. It was a searing vulnerability he hadn’t been prepared for, but his trust in Mitaka was all but cemented afterward.

Several years later, the two still met regularly, and Ben had matured enough to see the doctor as a necessity in his life. It oddly reminded him of a cherished stuffed animal when he was a small boy, who’d spent countless hours listening to Ben’s secrets and absorbing his tears, but lacked advice to give. Reconciliation with his family still hadn’t happened, but they were at least on tense speaking terms.  _ Healing of the soul can take baby steps, _ Mitaka had told him once. Ben’s patience had gotten plenty of practice over the years.

Letting the friendly familiarity settle around him, Ben broke into easy conversation, relaxing into the sofa after a moment. Life had been fairly consistent as of late, with practices to have, new songs to learn, and a potential agent to get used to. “Like having a different lifestyle,” he smirked, giving Mitaka a knowing look.

“Ah, but this is what you wanted, right? All of these are small steps towards getting you into a familiar and consistent music scene. It’s hard to get to this point, Ben. You should be proud of yourself - both in and out of the band.”

Ben nodded, silent for a moment. “I’m a little nervous thinking about touring.”

“What about it?”

“Being tired. How I’m going to feel by the end of it. I know it’s not exactly an international thing, but being stuck with the same people in the same van for a month or however long… we’ve never done that before.”

“You didn’t room with these guys in college?”

Ben made a face, feeling the tips of his ears warm. “I had my room off campus.”

“That’s right, that your parents paid for. Well, it sounds to me like you need to find something to reach out to before you leave. A friend or a book… something you need to escape to. There’s nothing wrong with having a core group of friends, but you’re right. You can burn out if you’re not careful, and that can be loaded with troublesome potential.” He paused. “Is there someone you can call, maybe? Who’d be willing to help?”

Hazel eyes and brown hair immediately came to mind. Dimples and an addictive accent. Ben sighed, meeting Mitaka’s knowing look. “I don’t know if that’s what she wants.”

“You  _ still _ haven’t talked to her?”

“I haven’t…” He trailed off. He’d had plenty of time. “... it’s been a while since I’ve…” he finished lamely, as though that was a perfectly acceptable answer.

“Ben, you talk about everybody when you come in here. You talk about Hux, and Poe, and Finn, and Rose, but  _ Rey _ … everything about you changes when it comes to Rey. You become more animated and you smile more. There’s nothing wrong with that. The human body feels emotion, and maybe attraction isn’t something you’ve felt in a long time, but that doesn’t mean you get rusty. Even if it’s something simple. Just  _ ask _ .”

He was close to sulking and he knew it. Closing his eyes, he took a breath and reached for the truth he was terrified to reveal. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

“From what you’ve told me, it sounds like she’d be able to stand her ground, were something to happen.”

“I don’t want to  _ scare her _ ,” Ben clarified, staring at the mahogany grain of the coffee table in front of him. “She could kick my ass if she wanted to, and I’d deserve it if she ever did, but…”

“Ben,” Mitaka’s gentle tone had him looking up into the eyes of the doctor. “You haven’t had an outburst in quite a while. I think you’ve made wonderful progress, and truthfully, I knew a romantic interest was possible in the future. I think this is a good step for you, and I encourage you to take it. Whatever the results are, it’s a learning experience and a chance to see how you’ve grown. Besides, you never know until you ask.” 

An hour later, Ben was still struggling with the thought. Asking was never his strongest suit, being shy as a kid who grew into a gangly teenager and a giant of a man with big features. He'd craved affection, had a few girlfriends - even slept with some - but music was so much easier than getting involved with another person. He hadn't been on a real date in years. Anger had always been more comfortable, but far more damaging. 

_ That’s not you anymore _ , he told himself, thinking back on words Mitaka told him years ago.  _ You deserve love and affection. Just because you didn’t get it then doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it ever. _

When the only time he could squeeze in appointments was during his lunch break, it was harder to take the time to process what he'd learned that day. Even worse, he’d returned a few minutes late, walking into the front doors of First Order Bank to the unwelcome sight of his boss standing at his cubicle.

“Care to explain yourself?” Victor Snoke drawled, leveling Ben with a stare that would melt the paint off the walls. 

“Doctor’s appointment.” It wasn’t totally a lie. Ben walked past him to take a seat behind his desk.

“I didn’t tell you to sit, Solo.” Snoke’s voice was quiet, but the anger there was clear. “You know the rule. You come back late, you spend the afternoon greeting our valuable customers.”

“Sir, it was traffic. There was a holdup a few blocks away and I couldn’t take a shortcut.”

“Then you leave the doctor’s office  _ early _ .” Ben sat still as Snoke leaned forward, pointing a finger into the wood of his desk. “Don’t repay my favors like this, Ben. I didn’t have to take you in, did I? I didn’t have to hire an adult struggling with his  _ feelings _ . You got here because of  _ me _ . I don’t give a damn who you are outside of these walls, but when you’re on the clock, you’re on  _ my _ time.” With a crooked smile, Snoke stood and buttoned his blazer. “Your spot awaits, Mr. Solo. Make sure everyone knows where to go in a timely manner.”

Working his jaw, Ben stood and pushed his chair back into his desk. He had to remind himself to not hold it in a white knuckled grip, and do his best to show Snoke’s words weren’t getting to him. Everyone knew what was going on; greeting was a punishment position, reserved for those who were in charge of actions beyond a teller. By spending the afternoon greeting, Ben lost chances at working bonuses. He took his position, tugging the sleeve of his sweater over his torso, and ignored the sympathetic looks from the others on the floor.

Ben, they knew, was punished often.

_ Antagonistic dick _ . Snoke knew very well Ben was in anger management. He loved to rub it in at any chance he could, toeing the line between what was appropriate and what wasn’t. When those moments were at their worst, Ben allowed his mind to wander and hold onto the things that made him happy: the potential of  _ Supremacy. _ Being out of Snoke’s control one day. The drum kit waiting at home for him to use that night. And, more recently…

“Rey?”

He couldn’t hide the surprise from his voice as the very personification of his thoughts stepped through the glass doors. She spotted him immediately - not that she could have had trouble, he was almost close enough to block one of the doors - and broke into a smile. “Ben? I didn’t know you worked here!”

“I didn’t know you banked here--”

“Or that you wore glasses!”

Oh. He quickly reached for the lenses and pocketed them. “I-I don’t. These are for computer screens. I’m usually at my desk.”

“But not today?” She tilted her head slightly. She was too cute for her own damn good.

“No, not uh…” he trailed off, eyeing Snoke sipping coffee through the glass windows of his office.  _ Deep breath, hold, release. _ “Not today.”

“Oh, that’s a shame. I was hoping to speak to someone about a possible loan, but I’m a little cautious when it comes to money and I’d rather… speak to someone I know I could trust?” She gave him a small, almost conspiratorial smile. 

He felt his posture straighten, unable to contain a small grin and the warmth that bloomed in his chest. “I’d be happy to.” He lowered his voice. “Is it something that can wait until tomorrow?”

“I can wait one more day.”

“Same time? Or earlier, if you need?”

“It’s my day off tomorrow. Maybe early?”

“I’ll pencil you in.” He couldn’t help it; he gave her another smile, watching the way she returned it shyly, a small blush staining her cheeks. He felt the urge to compliment her, tell her how nice she looked in her dress and flats, holding onto the straps of her bag in a charming way, and  _ can one hold a bag with charm _ , because he’s pretty certain she’s doing that now…

Snoke cleared his throat loudly from his office. Ben didn’t look his way, but the smile dropped from his face. “Is there anything else you need?”

She seemed to be aware of what was going on immediately. She held up a deposit slip in her other hand, something he’d missed entirely. “I have a few bills to add to my account.”

He turned and gestured to the tellers station, completely clear of a post lunch crowd. “Right this way, ma’am.”

“Thank you, sir.” Then, before she stepped away, she gave him another small smile and whispered, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He’d never been so excited for a business transaction in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/numbers_name) and [Tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/name-and-numbers)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/numbers_name) and [Tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/name-and-numbers)


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